Spiral Dreams 漩渦 / Shirley Wing-yan Lai

在天氣晴朗的春天，落日的陽光使中山階染上了一片橙黃色，令人感覺到何謂「夕陽無限好，只是近黃昏」。

在中山階上，小凝拉住子健的手說﹕『今晚可以跟你、阿雪和文偉到賽西湖的別墅，好期待啊!』

子健嘴角微微上揚說﹕『你興奮得像一個期待學校旅行的小孩……』突然，子健的手提電話響了﹕『喂! 張教授，是……是……好，無問題……那麼，待會見。』

小凝看著子健，心裡突然有一種不安的感覺，這種不安使小凝輕輕握住子健的手，冒汗的手反被緊握，但似乎仍趕不走心中的不安，子健歉意地說﹕『張教授想跟我談談我的論文，今晚你們先到別墅，我遲些跟你們會合，好嗎?』

小凝點點頭，在西閘跟男朋友道別後便登上小巴，但是，心中的不安是什麼原因?

心中只有不安。

一輛銀色的七人車在東區走廊上奔馳，後排的兩名乘客，一個在小鏡前弄著自己的劉海，一個看著車外的景色，大廈在眼前溜走了，捉也捉不住。終於，旁邊的女乘客忍不住說﹕『小凝啊，不要一副被人遺棄的樣子，好嗎? 子健只是晚一點到，難得放假，不要愁眉苦臉，好嗎?』

司機也加入對話﹕『阿雪說得對，為了懲罰遲到的人，晚餐由他負責。』小凝試圖抹去心中的不安，與阿雪歡呼和應。

七人車緩緩地爬上天后廟道與雲景道的十字路口，窗外有一陣薄霧，「雲景」「雲景」，使人感到雲在身邊穿插。街燈穿過薄霧，迂迴曲折的路上沒有一輛車，沒有一個人，只見霧越來越大，好像伸手不見五指。阿雪叮囑文偉﹕『小心一點，要不是停在一邊，我們步行上去好了。』文偉自信地說﹕『雖然霧很大，但是我很熟悉這裡，不用擔心。不過，這場霧來得有點奇怪。』被刻意隱藏的不安正在蠢蠢欲動，小凝腦海中突然浮出一連串的鬼故事。

文偉呀的一聲，只是感到一股離心力，小凝失去意識 . . .

一股溫暖傳到手裡，小凝睜開雙眼，看見阿雪露出笑容說﹕『太好了，你醒了，文偉為了閃避野狗而剎車，你撞到椅背昏了過去，幸好距離別墅不遠，我們先把你扶進來再作打算。我們很擔心呢。』

『文偉呢?』

『剛剛電話響了，他出去了。』這時，文偉走進小凝休息的睡房，眼中盡是惶恐，聲音有些顫抖﹕『子健死了。』頓了一頓，阿雪笑著說﹕『這個時候不要開玩笑了，而且這個笑話很不有趣。』文偉重複地說﹕『子健死了，真的死了，在大學附近被一輛私家車撞死了。』

小凝腦中一片空白，只知道身體跳下床，拚命地離開睡房，文偉捉住她的手﹕『出面霧很大，我們只好等到明天才能離開。』身體無力向後一跌，坐在地上，小凝馬上哭成淚人，阿雪從後緊緊地擁抱她。

大廳裡，小凝和阿雪坐在餐桌前，一聲不響，文偉在廚房弄一些簡單的食物。突然，有人按門鈴，三人同一時間嚇得彈起來，一把熟悉的男聲拍著門說﹕『小凝，是我，快開門吧!』小凝不敢相信，是子健! 看著大門，小凝遲疑了很久，仿佛在確定眼前是幻覺，還是真實。子健繼續拍門說﹕『小凝，是我，快開門吧!』

阿雪惶恐的看著小凝，小凝一步一步走到門前，手正想開門給子健，阿雪驚叫，文偉擋在她面前，雙手按著小凝的肩膀﹕『你清醒一點吧，子健已經死了。』

『不是的，門外的不是子健嗎? 你聽聽，是子健的聲音。』

『就算是子健，都不是你渴望見到的子健。人生前有未完成的事，便會千方百計去完成它。你開門給他，死便是我們。』

阿雪失魂落魄地走到小凝身邊﹕『小凝，寧可信其有不可信其無。我不想死啊!』

子健繼續拍門說﹕『小凝，是我，求求你快開門吧! 我們不是說好要有一個開心的假期嗎?求求你快開門吧! 我一個人在出面好害怕啊!』

小凝心好痛，她好想見到子健，但是身體卻沉重得像灌了鉛一樣，動彈不得。『子健，你離開吧，你不屬於這裡的。』

子健不再拍門，只是哀求地說﹕『你不再愛我嗎? 你確定不想見到我嗎? 但是，我不會放棄你、離開你的。』

子健那充滿肯定的說話，使小凝決心不再理會文偉的忠告，她衝到門前，卡的一聲把門柄往下拉，門開了，一道白光使小凝睜不開眼 . . .

白色的病房，儀器有規律的嗚嗚作響。窗外沒有濃霧，只有燦爛的陽光，小凝睜開眼，頭好痛，身體動彈不得，但是眼前的一切使小凝心頭一暖，子健緊緊捉住她的手，正在打瞌睡。身體一歪，子健醒了，看見小凝呆呆地看著他，子健激動地說﹕『你昏迷了三日了，我很擔心，你知道嗎? 』

小凝笑了，原來一切是夢。突然想起夢中的阿雪和文偉，小凝緊張地問﹕『阿雪和文偉呢?他們勢如何?』子健緊緊捉住她的手，深深吸氣﹕『小凝，你冷靜聽我說，你們在雲景道與對頭車相撞，阿雪和文偉證實當場死亡，醫生好不容易才將你由鬼門關救出來的。』

小凝心緊緊一揪，淚水滑到臉頰。突然，有人拍著病房的門﹕『小凝，快開門吧，是我們，阿雪和文偉啊!』

(完)

Self reflection on Spiral Dreams
This is a haunted story based upon an old ghost story at my secondary school in Cloud View Road, Tin Hau. I have added some imaginative ideas in order to reflect my point of view towards modernity after studying this course.

The female protagonist, Ying, is confused by different versions of story told by her friends (Man Wai and Snow) and her boyfriend, and the situation and feeling of Ying is shared by students who study modernity like me. Different schools of thought seem to provide sound arguments on describing modernity (like Karl Marx, Charles Baudelaire, Walter Benjamin, and Jane Bennett). Once I think a certain perspective is 'trust-worthy'or 'persuasive', other critiques may challenge what I have believed which confused me a lot. Just like Ying at first believing what her friends said, she accepts the death of her boyfriend. All of a sudden, her boyfriend re-appears and tells her another story. In the story, Ying is being trapped between stories that she feels anxious, haunted and puzzled. The feelings in the story are a reflection of what I feel in reality. Therefore, the genre of the story is a ghost story.

Besides, in the story, Ying is forced to make different decisions: whether she should open the door to her boyfriend or not; whether she should open the door to her friends outside the ward or not. Does she trust the story of her boyfriend or of her good friends? These questions push Ying to make a decision and also push the story forward without waiting for her final answer. Baudelaire described modernity as 'transient', 'contingent and 'flexible' that signified the fluidity of modernity. We can never freeze time to make a decision; we are pushed by modernity to move forwards involuntarily. A sense of passivity in Hong Kong (a city with quick pace) may reflect some feelings towards modernity.

However, I have never felt optimistic about studying modernity. When people finish reading this haunted story, they may ask some questions like, “What is the ending of the female protagonist, Ying? Who has (or have) died in the story?” I think people who study modernity may raise different questions towards modernity and different schools of thought in order to seek the truth. Therefore, I intentionally wrote a story without an ending so that readers can place their imagination and creativity to complete their own versions of story. I think that the emphasis on the "secular" in modernist ideas is similar to my thoughts: No one, at that moment, can answer all the questions brought by modernity but different schools of thought provide us hints to interpret the modern world. Intellectual freedom is an interesting and attractive characteristic of studying modernity.

Shirley Wing-yan Lai is a student from CLIT2018 Critiques of Modernity 2008-2009 second semester.